Birth story, part 2, very long

Hum, let me see how much of that first week I can remember. If you really want to read my story, put up your feet and grab a nice cuppa.....something! LOL

After the birth and after dh, my friend and my Mom got things cleaned up, my friend brought me a yummy turkey sandwich. There is nothing better than the meal right after you've had a baby! My big kids finally had a chance to hold her and get to know her then my Mom took all the younger ones to her house and dh and I took a long, much needed nap. That first night went pretty well, she woke a few times to nurse but fell asleep again before I was able to get her latched on. My 16yo son went to a party the second night and broke his shoulder. The next few days were more of the same, lots of sleeping, getting to know each other and learning to nurse. On Wednesday, when she was 5 days old, I made a dr's appt for her. The nurse explained that they don't normally see them until they are 2 weeks old but then I told her the birth story and she was completely surprised and understood! I don't think I would have even bothered but I really wanted a better weight on her and I was worried that the nursing wasn't going well. Everyone thought I was quite the woman for delivering by myself in the car! They checked her weight (6lbs 7oz) checked her height (18 1/2 in, what I had figured) and head (13 in, also about what I got). Everything else checked out fine, the dr clipped her frenulum and gave me some ideas on how to increase my milk supply. That night was the first night the nursing problems really showed up. I think before then she was still a sleepy newborn and was satisfied with just drinking what she got from the let down but not drawing in any more.

The next day was a holiday in our state, the 24th of July. She saw her first parade and fireworks show at my Moms house. Of course she stayed inside and took a nap with her Aunt, but still.... LOL That night was even worse than the night before. I worked with her for an hour to get latched on and was never able to do it. I finally concluded that we were both too frustrated to continue trying. I gave her to my husband, handed him a binkie to see if he could calm her and pumped. I got out an ounce and a half. (This next part is copied from an earlier blog post) She drank it after a bit of convincing her that could get yummy stuff out of this wierd tasting plastic thing and for the first time in a week was actually content and happy when she finished. I have to admit that it was so nice to have her full and it was relatively easy and pain free (physically speaking of course, I bawled the entire time I pumped!) She woke up about 2 hours later, I went out to the couch so dh could sleep (he had to return to work today after taking the week off) and she latched on after just a few minutes. She nursed well and slept another 2 hours. Got up and tried to nurse her and once again, never could get her latched on. I finally gave her to 14yo ds so I could pump.

I was getting a little worried about dehydration so I spent that day and the weekend in bed with her to see if I could increase my supply. I would nurse her for 2o min each side, then feed her what I had pumped previously then would pump for an additional 20 min each side for the next feeding. Sunday morning I woke up and found I had leaked everywhere and felt very full (I think she had slept 7 hours) so I was thrilled to think that maybe we had made it. I decided to see how she would do just on her own and didn't pump at all that day. I watched her diapers very closely. She woke up very wet and had another wet diaper later that morning but by the evening I could tell she was getting dehydrated again. I couldn't understand why she couldn't maintain my supply by herself so I started getting pretty worried. Looking back I think my body may have started shutting down that day.

Monday woke up with some pain in my right kidney area. I figured it was from sitting in wierd positions to get her latched on and to pump. It was bad enough that I couldn't stay in bed and had to get up but once I was up the pain was barely noticeable so I ignored it. I was too worried about her to give it much thought. Now that I know, I can't believe I waited as long as I did to get it checked. About 9:00 I called my LC friend to get some ideas from her on what could be wrong with my baby and what to do about it. I called WIC to see if I could borrow a pump from them because I had heard that was a possibility. They set up an appt for about 1:00 and I spent the rest of the morning on the internet trying to get some more ideas. The pain was increasing so I took some ibuprofen and that helped so I ignored it some more.

I went to the WIC appt and, according to their scale, she had lost 2 lbs in 5 days. At first they were reluctant to give me the pump because they said they only give them to Moms of preemies in the hospital and to the others they give manual pumps. I think when they realized that I'm an experienced Mom who knows what she is talking about and because I'd already tried using my regular pumps and needed more help and also because she had lost so much weight, they were willing to let me borrow one. Very, very grateful for that! After I left their office I took her to the Dr to check her weight on their scale and found that she had actually lost 3 1/2 lbs. Dr was very worried. I'm surprised he didn't tell me to start her on formula. We just talked about pumping etc. and talked about getting her weighed again on Thursday. I considered mentioning the pain in my kidney but didn't want to make a big deal about something that was probably just a muscle spasm. That evening the pain had gotten bad enough that the ibuprofen wasn't helping much anymore so I took some percocet and set up my Moses basket because I didn't want to sleep with her while on something so strong. I found when I went to bed that I still could not lay back without extreme pain and I couldn't breathe. I know it sounds wierd but I still wasn't that worried about it. I think I was still too caught up in worry about baby and couldn't deal with anything else. So I piled up the pillows behind me and tried to get comfortable enough to sleep. I decided that night that I would put a limit on how long I would try to get her to latch onto keep both of us from getting too frustrated so I tried for 20 min on each side, then gave her to dh so he could give her a bottle of formula while I pumped for 1/2 hour. That entire night I was only able to get a few drops out of each side. I chalked it up to her going too long without nursing well. Now I really know it was because my body was definitely shutting down.

The next morning, Tuesday, I finally decided that I needed a dr. (I know, took me long enough) I called and got an appt for 2:00, later they called and changed it to 3:00 because he was running behind. I tried to get in touch with a friend to take me to the dr because I had taken more percocet and was worried about driving but couldn't get in touch with her, my dh couldn't get home in time and my Mom and Mil were both out of town so I got my dd to ride with me to the dr to keep me talking while I drove and to hold baby while the dr looked at me. The nurse was a bit worried about me and asked me while I was in the waiting room if I wanted to lay down. I told her no I couldn't lay down anyway. I got called back after a little while and they did my vitals, which were fine, and I gave a urine sample. I told the dr what was going on and he got me up on the examining table. He told me later that he kept praying the whole time that it was kidney but was really worried it was a blood clot. I laid down so he could palpate my tummy and I couldn't breathe and told him that. He said "uh-oh, thats not good, not good at all". He sat me up, asked me a few more questions and said "This is not kidney pain. I suspect it's a amniotic embolism or a blood clot. You have to go straight to the hospital". I was really upset. I was soo frustrated with everything. I mean I had been through so much already, I just could not deal with the knowledge that I had to go through more crap. I broke down and cried except it hurt so bad to take a deep breathe that I quickly had to calm down or I was going to pass out. The dr called the hospital and told them I was coming and warned me again that I should not go home, I needed to go straight out. There was no way I could drive on the freeway with the pain I was in and the percocet in me so I tried calling my friend again and still couldn't get in touch with her. I found out later she had given her cell phone to her son. I left a message with her daughter to tell her Mom it was very important she call me ASAP. She called me about 5 min later, just before I was about to get on the freeway, and said she could take me. I drove to her house and then we stopped and dropped off my daughter and got the can of formula for baby.

On the way out we realized that there was a huge accident on the opposite side of the freeway. Dh had considered getting on the bus and coming home so he could take me so I'm really glad we didn't go that route or he would have been stuck for hours. I was really surprised when I got to the hospital that they didn't get me into a room faster since my dr had called ahead. I don't remember a whole lot about exact times but I remember they did an EKG, which was fine. I also know that after I had been there about an hour I could tell the percocet had warn off and I was in an incredible amount of pain. They started an IV and gave me dilaudid and that helped enough that as long as I sat up I wasn't in a lot of pain. Awhile later they came and got me to do a CT scan. When I laid down to do it, though, I couldn't breathe and sat right back up. They put me on oxygen and gave me an extra pillow and as long as I took super shallow, short breaths I could lay down for them to do the scan. I returned to my room but I think laying down made the clot shift just enough that I could no longer breathe even sitting up. We told the nurse but she came back and said I'd had all the narcotics I could have. That was the hardest part of the whole thing. The dr came in and told me I would have to stay at least that night, that I had a blood clot in my lung and that maybe there was something more that would make me need emergency surgery and heavy antibiotics and that I needed another CT scan to check it. It was a bit much for me to deal with right then. I didn't want to be seperated from my 10 day old baby and I didn't like the thought of laying down for another CT scan and I was scared too because I know that blood clots can mean immediate and sudden death plus the emergency surgery part wasn't sounding too lovely either. I started crying and then I could barely breathe again. My friend was still there helping with the baby plus my brother stopped by on his way home from work. They tried to get my mind off of things by telling jokes and getting me calmed down. It was awful to laugh but it really helped too. The dr eventually decided to try IV ibuprofen and that's what finally made the difference. When they came to get me for the second scan it had been long enough that I was able to have more pain meds and the second scan was much easier. When those results came back they were able to determine that I did not need emergency surgery and they could start me on blood thinners.

I was finally taken up to a room about 9:00. We also got permission to keep baby with me and the nurses were awesome about it. They got a bassinet from the nursery, brought me some extra blankets, diapers and a pump. They also put a sign on my door warning that there was a newborn in the room and to take extra precautions. Dh stayed with me to help me with her. This is when I first learned that most blood clot patients are there 3-5 days so I settled in knowing that I would be there for awhile and was fully prepared for that. Wednesday went well with me pumping several times just to keep what little I had going, although I had to dump it due to the contrast from the CT scan. I was a little worried that when I started nursing her again Wednesday evening that she wouldn't latch on but she did fine. I didn't have much milk but I didn't care.

I was orginally told Tuesday night that they would do a Ultra sound the next day to find out where the clot came from but the the Dr I had on Wednesday said we didn't really need to do it since we are already taking care of the problem and don't need to know if I have more. Thursday the Dr came in and said I could be released because he felt like I could handle doing the shots myself. I was a little concerned about being released because early that morning when the dilaudid had warn off I couldn't move since I had layed back a little bit when the meds were working. I wondered how I could handle the pain on my own but trusted the dr and thought surely by that night the pain would be much better.

After I returned home my friend called to see what she could do to help and I told her I would need to have someone with me the next day since dh really needed to work. I knew I would need pain meds and couldn't take care of baby by myself so she offered to come spend the day with me. I had to sleep sitting up again that night, even with the percocet and ibuprofen, plus I was still trying to pump and feed baby a bottle so I only got about 2 hours of sleep. On Friday I finally was able to sleep a bit more if I turned to the side so I could lay my head on a pillow on my shoulder. The Dr called to check on me and I told him about the pain. He said if it continued I should go back to the hospital. Same thing happened Friday night so I only got about 2 hours of sleep. Saturday morning I realized I'd only had about 6 hours of sleep in 48 hours and I wondered how I could ever recover with so little sleep so dh and I decided I better go back to the hospital. I got my Sil to come get baby and we headed to the ER. Stupid Dr was convinced that I had a kidney infection on top of the lung pain so he cathed me to get a urine sample. They also wondered if I had developed pneumonia since that is a possible side effect of a blood clot so they did an xray of my lungs. No pneumonia but some blood in the urine so dr was convinced I had an infection and started me on an antibiotic. I kept asking for more pain relief and told him we found when I was in the hospital before that I needed both narcotics and ibuprofen but he wasn't about to listen to me and that I couldn't have anymore narcotics unless I was admitted. He consulted with a pulmonologist (I think that was what he was called) who came and checked me and determined the first dr was an idiot (no, he didn't say that but alluded to it! LOL) and I do not have an infection and it was all due to the blood clot. He said I shouldn't have ever been discharged when I was and said something about me pushing to be discharged. I told him it wasn't me pushing for it but the other dr. He said he wanted me comfortable so to let him know if I needed more pain relief and switched me to morphine and gave me ibuprofen. That was the first night I was finally able to lay back to sleep. I wanted to cry, until then I never realized how much a blessing it was to be able to lay down to sleep.

I could have morphine every 3 hours so the nurse was really great about checking on me to see if I needed more. At 3 in the morning I was due to have another dose but I was sound asleep so he didn't want to disturb me. At 4 I woke up suddenly and realized I couldn't move and could barely breathe. Every time I tried to move I got a horrible stabbing pain in my side so I couldn't push the call button. I started to panic a bit wondering how I was going to get help when in walked my angel CNA! I was never so happy to see someone! I told her I couldn't move and she went and found my nurse who gave me morphine and then helped me sit up so I could breathe. That was the last time I needed morphine. The rest of that day and the next I was able to take percocet to take care of any pain I was having. I thought that since I could lay down with the percocet and get some sleep that I would be able to go home on Monday but the new Dr I got said he wanted to keep me until my blood thinner levels were at the level they needed to be. For some reason it was going up really slowly, later I found out it was because the blood clot was fairly large. He also didn't feel comfortable with the type of blood thinner I was on because of the breastfeeding so he switched me to a different one which meant I had to be tethered to an IV pump all the time. I hated that! I haven't even mentioned how often I got poked and how many bruises I had on my arms when I came home! I also haven't talked much about my kids. My sil brought my baby to me on Sunday night and dh took her home with him and they both spent the day with me on Monday. The other kids spent the weekend with one Grandma and came home Sunday night so dh had all the kids with him Sunday night. Between taking care of 2yo and baby he didn't get much sleep! The other Grandma came home from her trip Monday morning and took them all for the rest of the week.

On Wednesday, after spending 8 days in the hospital, my levels were finally what they needed to be so I was finally able to go home. I had to get my levels checked on Saturday so I had to return to the hospital lab then the next Wednesday I had an appt with my dr to get them checked again. My dr is the one that told me it was a pretty large clot. He said when I kneeled down to pray that night that I needed to thank the Lord that I was still alive (I'd already done that several times!). He also said he will never understand why blood clots will kill one person and the next will survive and said it's all up to the Lord, there are no other determining factors. He was really great because he allowed me to really go through the whole experience and talk about it. I really appreciated that. I also told him my concern that I could become addicted to Percocet. He gave me a prescription for Lortab and told me to alternate them every other week and then I wouldn't get addicted to them. He said he wished they had done the ultrasound because then we could go back and check in 3 months to make sure they are all dissolved. The only one we have to go by is the one in my lung. It would have been nice to know that they are all gone and not just the one in my lung. In case you were wondering, the clot had to have come from somewhere. The ultra sound was to find out where it came from and if there were more.

It's taken me a very long time to recover. I still can't really say I have recovered. It was several weeks before I felt able to do any house work but the energy is slowly coming back. Last Friday, nearly 4 weeks after it happened, I finally started feeling like I couldn't stand my house one more minute and started figuring out how I could pull it back together. That is the sign I look for that tells me I'm feeling more like my normal self. I still can't do a lot and still need 12-13 hours of sleep plus I still take percocet or Lortab daily but there are definite signs of improvement.

I still worry a lot about the nursing. The latch has definitely improved and I know I have plenty of milk but she still doesn't have the nice yellow breastfed baby's stool that she should have, they are usually very green but she is definitely not dehydrated, I watch that very closely so I'm not hugely concerned. I just know she probably isn't getting enough hindmilk but I'm not quite sure how to fix it because I'm already following all the suggestions for improving it. I need to get her weighed but keep putting it off. I would like to say she is looking chunkier but overall I think she still looks pretty tiny. She is due for a 2 mo checkup plus we have another appt with WIC this next week so eventually she will get weighed.

I apologize that this ended up so long. It's ok if you didn't make it through the whole thing. I wrote it for me. I think I needed to finally get it all out on "paper". I've wondered a bunch of times if I need to see a counselor to help me work out a lot of the emotions from the past year but I'm hoping that if I keep talking about it that eventually I will be ok. I know that I'm definitely different than I was even 6 months ago. I feel like a lot of the joy is gone from my life and every day is just another day to endure, waiting for the next bomb to drop.