Long day yesterday

I woke up about 5 am and realized I was having contractions. At first they were pretty irratic but eventually they were 15 apart, then 10 min apart. I didn't dare take any meds because my boys were going on Pioneer Trek and I had to buy a few last minute things before they left. So I quickly ran to the store (as fast as a big ol' pg women who is contracting every 10 min possibly can! LOL) then dropped the boys off. I called my friend to see if she would be available to take little people just in case my 11yo started feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't walk and could barely talk through them at this point so I was getting pretty nervous. Took the meds at about 8:30, stayed awake just long enough to make sure they were slowing down and then crashed. Slept until about 11 and realized when I woke up that the contractions were still about 15 min apart. About 1:00 I noticed the contractions getting closer together again. Repeated the meds at 1:30 and called the dr to see if he wanted me to do anything else. Just before I left I realized the contractions were now about 7-9 min apart. He wanted to see me at three. Didn't have anyone to take me and didn't dare drive myself so I called dh to see if he could come home. Coworkers took him to the train and he got home about 2:45.

Got to the Dr and he asked a bunch of questions and checked baby's heartrate. 160's-170's so I knew the terb was effecting her too. Dr wants me on both terb and procardia and wants me to stay down for now. He does not like to check me due to the cervical stitch unless he feels it's absolutely imperative so I don't know if there were changes. He also gave me a steroid shot for the baby's lungs.

Came home, took procardia, contractions finally started spacing out. Sent three youngest to Moms house, kept 11yo to help me. Still having them about every 20 min but very manageable. Woke up with a killer migraine, felt like I had a hangover! Still with contractions 20 minutes apart so I will probably be on meds for a few more days. Looks like today will be a fun day in bed with just my dd and me! We got dh to buy us lots of treats and will make today a movie and pampering day! Just wish I'd gotten him to rent us some movies. We will just have to happy with what we've got around here.

Funny thing that happened at the appt. My doc has had a resident following him around for a few months. I told the resident where to find the heartrate then guessed it was around 160-170. The resident got 180 but timed it for 10 sec. He was having a hard time figuring out what the heart rate was (30X's 6) so I told him it was easier to do it for 6 sec and x's it by 10. So he did it again and got what I got. He was totally impressed that I could guess the heart rate just by listening to it.

The biggest things that worried me were that they were not only consistent regardless of what I did and slowly getting closer together and that I couldn't walk or talk through them. Also that I was still getting them with meds. Hopefully that is the last scare and the next three weeks are uneventful!

I feel like I've lived in a shell the last 5 months

I've lost contact with all of my friends except those that live close to me. I rarely go to church and church activities any more. I don't go to homeschool activities anymore except the ones I absolutely must. My Mom is very busy working at my sil's house, my sis is always working, another sil that I used to talk to all the time is busy getting a house ready to move into. I know it's my fault. I'm so caught up in emotions with this pregnancy that I'm having a really hard time moving past the immediate must do's. The midwife stuff is keeping me sooo busy and sooo tired too. I had quit for a few weeks because I was having so many problems but things have been so quiet in the contraction department that I told S that I could start doing births again. It's only for a few weeks because I can't take the chance that I will go into labor after 36 weeks so we will see how many births I get in between now and then. I will be 33 weeks on Thursday.

My other problem is that I have always had a hard time calling people. I have no idea why that is. I feel like I have to have a reason to call someone or I feel weird. I very rarely call up someone just to chat. I never drop by someones house just to drop by. I feel like I need a reason. I know this is what is required to maintain a friendship so why can't I get over it. My sil bought a house, what, 2 months ago, something like that, and I still have never seen it. Another friend had a baby 4 mo. ago and I still have not been up to see her. I think about them all the time. Why I don't act on it, I don't know. For a while I had really good reason to not go, mostly a possible chicken pox outbreak, but since then, I don't know. More busy than anything I suppose but I'm sure there were times I could have fit it in. I think I have been in survivor mode emotionally and it makes it really hard to reach out to others even though I know it would probably help in the end.

My birthday was last Thursday, the 19th. We didn't do much. Dh took me out to dinner and then the next night he gave me cash to buy my birthday present because the only thing I told him I wanted was too much effort for him so he didn't bother. I guess it was good cause I put that cash, cash from my mil and the gift card from my Mom together and bought a bike trailor. I had thought long and hard about it because I knew it was something I couldn't use for awhile but I've been wanting one for two years but could never quite justify it. There were a lot of little things that I could have bought with it instead but it's easier to come up with money for the little things than it is for one big thing. My sil called and my mil came by, but that was about it.

I read over my blog last week. I realized that I have never really shared how incredibly hard this pregnancy has been on me emotionally. It's very difficult to talk about, especially on paper, how much I have not wanted this baby. There, I said it, I'm a terrible mother. I feel very, very guilty and would not ever want my baby to know that for months I prayed that I would miscarry. When I realized that I had reached the point where a miscarriage would mean a burial, I started looking forward to the day that she could be born and still survive. I feel expecially guilty with these emotions because I have a sis and two sil's that have a hard time getting pregnant and a friend that has a hard time hanging on to pregnancy's. Looking back, this pregnancy has been much easier than the last one and I've been very grateful for that, although I will admit that I have done more than I probably should be. I think I'm banking on the fact that I've never had a truly preemie baby. The question is, is it because I'm always very careful or is it that I'm more ok than I've ever thought. Maybe if I had known that this one wouldn't be a repeat of the last one I wouldn't have taken the news so hard and maybe I wouldn't have dreaded every day of this pregnancy. I can honestly say, now, that I'm looking forward to taking care of a sweet baby girl again. I'm not looking forward to the downsides yet, like the all nighters and the teething and the tummy aches etc but I'm much more ok with it than I used to be. I am looking forward to dressing a little girl again and doing her hair. I realized a few days ago that I don't even have any bows to put in her hair. I want to go bow shopping! I also have very few blankets so it will be fun to go shopping for them too.

I would love to go into how much my house is frustrating me but this post has gotten too long as it is. Sufficeth to say I feel like I'm doing 1 step forward and 10 steps back! UGH!

This is silly

I keep going to my friends blog to get the link to my blog so I can write an entry! As soon as I'm done with this one I WILL put the link into my favorites! LOL

Yesterday was Fathers Day. Didn't work out the way I would have liked to but it was still fun. I gave dh a new wallet cause his was falling apart. I wanted to fill it full of pics of the family but didn't think of it until yesterday morning and there wasn't enough ink in my picture printer to do it. I will have to get some another time and do it.

We went to my Mom's house after church. I didn't go cause I had done too much on Saturday and woke up with some cramping. I want to lodge an official complaint about our ward! Women get cards on Mothers day and Men get candy and cookies on Fathers day! Whats wrong with this picture! LOL Anyway, at my Mom's house we celebrated all of the May and June b-days (my Moms been busy painting my bro's house). She gave me a $20 gift card to Walmart. Hum, I have no idea what I want to buy! I can think of a dozen things baby, kids, hubby etc but nothing for me. I thought of maternity clothes but I don't want something for just a month of wear. Maybe a new nursing top? Do they sell those? Maybe some music? Am I the only one like that? I don't think women think about themselves enough. Oh, I have another idea! Maybe some bath things. I take a bath quite often for pain relief. It would nice to add some scents or oil or something like that. Or I could add something to my midwife kit. I need a blood pressure cuff. Sounds boring, though. Hum, it could take me a couple of months to use it but if I put it off I will probably use it for something really boring like food! LOL

I'm up very early this morning. Couldn't get back to sleep after JZ woke me up. I really enjoy it even though I probably need sleep more. It is just so nice to have a few hours to myself. No endless chatter, no contant noise from machines, no constantly keeping an eye on a little boy that literally goes from one trouble to the next.

JA has a diabetic appt this morning. As usual I kept a close eye on him in the beginning right after the hospital stay, but as usual, life took over and I haven't checked his meter for awhile to make sure he is testing. He seems to be going through insulin faster and I have seen some good changes so hopefully we will see good results today. One of the biggest changes I've seen is that he has gotten a lot better about keeping a meter with him at all times and taking emergency supplies with him when he goes places.

My handsome boys

These were two of the costumes I made that week. I will have to see if I can find a pic of the other generals coat that I made. It turned out pretty good, I think. Sorry it's so dark. I will have to see if I can get someone to enhance it for me. I have next to no skills when it comes to pic editing! LOL My boys had to grow their hair out for the play. We got it cut ASAP after the play was over. They look much better now. I should post before and after pics. I might also post the section of the play that Josh had to dip kiss a girl! I don't know how to cut out just that portion though, so I'm not promising anything.

I should learn to not post when I'm tired and feeling depressed. Life isn't quite so bad when I feel normal (relatively!). We have very little to do the next three days so hopefully I can get my kids motivated to do their chores really well and then things will be MUCH better!

I'm trying sooo hard to not look at my house!

But today it's really getting to me! There is not one spot in this entire house that is not completely covered with crap! Yeah, I could ask for help but I'd be completely embarrassed for anyone to step foot in here! My visiting teachers came last night and, of course, I downplayed everything and didn't ask for help although it's probably obvious we aren't doing so great in the cleaning department. I'm trying to figure out why we were able to keep the house so much cleaner last time while on bedrest. The only thing I can think of is that my Mom was coming often and keeping the kids on task and I didn't have an (almost) 2yo constantly destroying every thing. I was watching him last night and thinking about what he had done over a period of a day and thinking "no wonder my house is a disaster!"

I missed the Red Tent park day yesterday. I'm very sad about it! Hopefully I can go to the next one. I miss my friends.

5 weeks left. Actually I would happy with 3 more weeks. I'm 31 weeks tomorrow.

Anyone ever have to get a copy of a social security card? I really need to get JK's but it's proving very difficult. They want two forms of ID but all we have is a birth certificate. They want some kind of id card that has his picture on it. The only place he is going to get one is from public school and he doesn't go. We have his homeschool exemption certificate but I don't know if that is acceptable since there is no picture on it. We could make a homemade version, but once again, I don't know if that will be good enough. My biggest issue is that there are possibilities but the only way I'm going to find out if they will be good enough is to go to the SS office and wait in line for 3 hours. Not thrilled about that since I shouldn't be doing very much anyway and if it doesn't work then I have to find something that does and then stand in line three hours again. He has to have it to take the drivers test so he can take drivers ed in July. I'm also concerned that once I get the process started it will take 6 weeks to get to us. We need it in about 4 weeks! Dh keeps saying we need to just go through the storage and find his original but then doesn't do much more than that. I can't do it by myself, dear! I need you for that! Plus he has a huge list of things to do and it just isn't a priority for him!

We need to sell our Chevy Venture minivan. I'm sad because I really loved that van and planned on driving it until it was undrivable but unfortunately we need a bigger car. We are looking for a Suburban and a smaller car that is easy on gas.

What a difference a week makes

We, meaning mostly dh, got lots done so we are doing a bit better than the last time I posted. The brakes are now fixed, we have a working front door, the yard is mostly cleaned up (I just need some little girls to pick up their chalk, dh moved the couches into the garage (hopefully I can get the cushions cleaned this week so we can move it inside) and the costumes are finished. My house is still a wreck but the boys will be home more this week so hopefully we can make some headway with it.

The bad news is that I have put myself on partial bedrest. Which means staying down 90% of the time. I'm hoping to still ward off full time bedrest but the next few days will tell me if that is necessary. Until now, if I rest for a few days after have a really bad bout of contractions I could return to semi normal life. Not so this time. I had a bad day on Thursday, stayed down Friday, did a few things on Saturday, had another bad session Saturday night and Sunday morning. Usually one dose of meds take care of everything but Sunday night was the first time I seriously considered taking a second dose. I never did because the ctx still hurt but they were erratic and spaced far apart (20 min as opposed to the 8 min in the morning). I'm going to get the kids to help me do the laundry today. We have a good system down so I don't end up doing a whole lot myself. The kids bring all the laundry to me, then I sort it. I have front loaders so both the little girls, and even JZ, can help load and unload the machines. I put the soap in. The girls unload the dryer and bring the batch to me then they help me fold it. Everyone puts their own stuff away, dh puts mine away and they take turns putting JZ's stuff away.

The Shakespeare play went really well. JA has to pretend dip kiss a girl! He feels very awkward about it, though. The girl he has to do it with had an Uncle in the audience who is a professional choreographer. He came up to JA afterwards and gave him a few pointers. Hopefully that will help will relax a bit. He looks soooo handsome in his general's uniform. JK did a great job too! We only took video so as soon as I get still pictures I will post them. They have another performance tonight, Wednesday and Thursday then we are done with Shakespeare!!! YIPPEE

If you'd like to see a performance, lmk.