I feel like I've lived in a shell the last 5 months

I've lost contact with all of my friends except those that live close to me. I rarely go to church and church activities any more. I don't go to homeschool activities anymore except the ones I absolutely must. My Mom is very busy working at my sil's house, my sis is always working, another sil that I used to talk to all the time is busy getting a house ready to move into. I know it's my fault. I'm so caught up in emotions with this pregnancy that I'm having a really hard time moving past the immediate must do's. The midwife stuff is keeping me sooo busy and sooo tired too. I had quit for a few weeks because I was having so many problems but things have been so quiet in the contraction department that I told S that I could start doing births again. It's only for a few weeks because I can't take the chance that I will go into labor after 36 weeks so we will see how many births I get in between now and then. I will be 33 weeks on Thursday.

My other problem is that I have always had a hard time calling people. I have no idea why that is. I feel like I have to have a reason to call someone or I feel weird. I very rarely call up someone just to chat. I never drop by someones house just to drop by. I feel like I need a reason. I know this is what is required to maintain a friendship so why can't I get over it. My sil bought a house, what, 2 months ago, something like that, and I still have never seen it. Another friend had a baby 4 mo. ago and I still have not been up to see her. I think about them all the time. Why I don't act on it, I don't know. For a while I had really good reason to not go, mostly a possible chicken pox outbreak, but since then, I don't know. More busy than anything I suppose but I'm sure there were times I could have fit it in. I think I have been in survivor mode emotionally and it makes it really hard to reach out to others even though I know it would probably help in the end.

My birthday was last Thursday, the 19th. We didn't do much. Dh took me out to dinner and then the next night he gave me cash to buy my birthday present because the only thing I told him I wanted was too much effort for him so he didn't bother. I guess it was good cause I put that cash, cash from my mil and the gift card from my Mom together and bought a bike trailor. I had thought long and hard about it because I knew it was something I couldn't use for awhile but I've been wanting one for two years but could never quite justify it. There were a lot of little things that I could have bought with it instead but it's easier to come up with money for the little things than it is for one big thing. My sil called and my mil came by, but that was about it.

I read over my blog last week. I realized that I have never really shared how incredibly hard this pregnancy has been on me emotionally. It's very difficult to talk about, especially on paper, how much I have not wanted this baby. There, I said it, I'm a terrible mother. I feel very, very guilty and would not ever want my baby to know that for months I prayed that I would miscarry. When I realized that I had reached the point where a miscarriage would mean a burial, I started looking forward to the day that she could be born and still survive. I feel expecially guilty with these emotions because I have a sis and two sil's that have a hard time getting pregnant and a friend that has a hard time hanging on to pregnancy's. Looking back, this pregnancy has been much easier than the last one and I've been very grateful for that, although I will admit that I have done more than I probably should be. I think I'm banking on the fact that I've never had a truly preemie baby. The question is, is it because I'm always very careful or is it that I'm more ok than I've ever thought. Maybe if I had known that this one wouldn't be a repeat of the last one I wouldn't have taken the news so hard and maybe I wouldn't have dreaded every day of this pregnancy. I can honestly say, now, that I'm looking forward to taking care of a sweet baby girl again. I'm not looking forward to the downsides yet, like the all nighters and the teething and the tummy aches etc but I'm much more ok with it than I used to be. I am looking forward to dressing a little girl again and doing her hair. I realized a few days ago that I don't even have any bows to put in her hair. I want to go bow shopping! I also have very few blankets so it will be fun to go shopping for them too.

I would love to go into how much my house is frustrating me but this post has gotten too long as it is. Sufficeth to say I feel like I'm doing 1 step forward and 10 steps back! UGH!